Hardest fall of my life when my heart broke- part1

 Part 2 I will write on how it all started. This, part 1, my emotional tornado when my relationship ended two days ago.

Other day I had my heart broken to smithereens. I never thought at this age, I would face such devastation. I realised body may grow old, but energies and feelings are ever new. My life has always been beautiful fairytale till yesterday only to crash like meteor on mirror. I'm jotting this, as wounds are still fresh, blood still warm, heart : still throbbing weakly in its final moments. 

2024 started with meeting a woman . Unplanned. Unexpected. Out of blue. We clicked instantly. From zero to rocket speeds within hours our relationship progressed. Never ever in my life I became so transparent and for the 1st time I let down all my guards. In all my previous relationships, I wanted miracles to happen but here I wanted to create my own miracle. I wanted to be creator of my fate & future. Didn't want anything to be left to chance.

Just like it started, it stopped suddenly. No reason. No warning. Crashed. How & why? No answers. For 1st time, I felt both intense pain & fiery rage. Deep vacuum like black hole & sudden directionless in life. I wanted answers & clarity and clarification. Nothing came forth. How can any human be so cruel. She suddenly stopped & called it The end. No reason. Nothing. Just The end. Incredible intense anger spread every nerve to point I feared my nerves may burst.

Where did promise of forever go?

Maybe this is what vengeful who killed their lovers or killed themselves must ve felt. Maybe this is how a person feels when loved ones dies. Maybe this why someone goes extreme and use black magic to get their lovers back. Is this when man commits suicide or goes to Ashrams or gets drunk to numb the pain. Man loses his sanity and rationality. I definitely won't be doing any of those . I hope. But iam afraid.


I m very afraid that my anger, bitterness and sadness would harm my health.

I'm afraid that my ugly irritation n mood swings I carry wud hurt family and colleagues.

I'm scared that i might shout at someone or worst , I may hurt myself.

I'm afraid I wud succumb to bitterness and negativity.

I'm scared that I just go into purposeless hookups n hurt others.

I'm.scared I wud do something stupid.

I'm afraid that I eat more or starve myself

I'm afraid that I may withdraw become recluse or just over indulge myself.

I feel I may lose confidence in myself or lose faith in world.

I regret falling so deep. I really want her back all while I don't want her back. I can never trust her or maybe I can trust any woman ever.

. I really want her to suffer the pain as I feel , but my civility doesn't want to hurt anyone. I really want her to feel guilt, while I feel to let go.

This duality is screwing my gut n mind
I don't know whom 2 blame or whom to get angry on. God? or girl ?or my fate or my stupidity?. Maybe it's "Easy come and Easy go". I don't know. All now I can see is endless ocean of darkness.

 

When luck abandons & all things fall & fail at sametime, not giving you chance to recover or understand the situation.

The sudden vacuum sending my soul into abyss of shame of loss. In front of my eyes, I see entire skyscraper of my dreams crashing which spurred me into desperation and do stupid things. All the wisdom, intelligence and reason left my brains. My mind stopped working and unable to process the shock. Already heart stopped, now brains not working properly as well. Erratic, indecisive, hopelessness, forgetfulness, purposelessness directionless, fear, blurred clarity.

 

I know, I have to move on. It will take time. But questions are still unanswered. There is no closure. Maybe I should have gone slow. I shouldn't have done stupid things. But my bruised heart doesn't understand logic.

My mind understands. Intellectually I understand. But how to convince my heart that fails to grasp reason and reality? How I really wish God had toll free customer care no so that I question why was I made to face this when I didn't do anything wrong 😢

Part 2 I will write on how it all started. This, part 1, my emotional tornado when it ended two days ago.

Conscious Immortality

Tiruvanamali is one place that's closer to my heart for its strong positive spiritual vibes. Ramana ashram, Arunachaleshwara temple, holy hill of Arunachala , girivalem (circumbulation around holy hill) are highlights that one should visit. During my recent visit, I bought book "Conscious Immortality : Conversation with shri ramana maharishi " which recorded deep insights of spiritual knowledge which shook my very core . Below are some quotes that touched me deeply

Ishwara is Immanent in every person and every material object throughout the universe. The totality of all things and beings constitutes God. There is power out of which a small fraction has become all this universe, & the reminder is in reserve. Both this reserve power plus the manifested power as material world together constitute Isvara

The realised man knows neither past, present, future. He is above time for he lives in the Timeless Self. He will just watch & wait and see what happens. He let's things take their course. He resigns all to the Absolute Power which one can call God or karma . There is no egoism within him. Restrictions & discipline are for jivas not for muktas.

Q. Once I was self reliant . Now I fear old age.

A. Even when younsaid you were self reliant, it was not so.  you were ego-reliant .in place of that of you let ego go , you will get real self reliance. Your pride is merely pride of ego.

                           xxx 

Why did you approve building skandaashram on hill which is temple land without obtaining permission from authorities?

Guided by same power which made me come & reside on the hill.

  

False ego is associated with objects. If a man's happiness is due to outer cause & external possessions, then a man devoid of possessions should have no happiness whatever.You are source of all your happiness whatsoever it be & not external things. Even when you imagine soke external object has given you happiness, you are mistaken. What really happened ,is that, Unconsciously The Object brought you back for a flash to your Self, borrowed the happiness & thus presented it to you. The happiness came as shadow to you. Why not look for source & realise it? 

..Trace every thought back to its origin which is the mind; never allow thought to go on, if it does,  it will be unending.  Thoughts die of inaction, for mind only exists by thought. Take away thought& there is no mind. Tear everything away until there is nothing but source left. Live only in the present. Either seek it's source so that it may disappear or surrender, that it may be struck down.

If you seek God with your whole heart, then you may be assured that the Grace of God is also seeking you. If the longing is there , realisation will be forced even if you do not want it.

xxx

Pride of learning and desire for appreciation are condemned,  not the learning itself.

Meditation without mental activity is Mouna. Meditation must be so intense as not even to give room for the consciousness of the idea " iam meditating ". Give yourself up to deep meditation . Throw away all other considerations of life. The calculative life will not be crowned with spiritual success. Yes, complete surrender initially is not possible. Partially surrender which incourse will lead to complete surrender.

Why do not the mahatmas help the world?

How do you know they do not help? Public speeches, physical activity & material help are all outweighs by silence of mahatmas. They accomplish more than others. A Self realised being very existence bestows highest good to the world. He is not the body.  His work lies within. By a rishi sitting in one place, all things can be done. If He wills,  he can bring in wars or end them.  But he knows that there is cosmic & karmic process going on. So he won't interfere unwisely. Silence of sage gives permanent benefit & instructions to humanity. A realised one sends powerful waves of spiritual influence in his aura which draws many people towards Him. Yet he may sit in cave & maintain silence.

A realised one, though he is not speaking,  will give much to world. If necessary, he can use others as instruments.

XXX

More things can be achieved by silence & more thoughts are conveyed by silence to a wider world. Preaching is simply communication of knowledge. It can be done in silence too.

Each one has to work for himself. 

                                 xxxx

The existence of higher power must be admitted & recognized. Ego is powerful elephant which can be tamed by presence of Guru. Guru, God, Grace all are synonymous. Gurus grace is more than study & meditation. Your remembrance of guru is forerunner of grace. Go on working with light you have, you will meet your guru.

Guru doesn't bring about realisation. He merely removes obstacles.

If the thinker is sought, the thoughts will disappear. The seer seen & the sight are all manifestation of same conscious ie ' I' . Dhyana helps one remove the illusion that the Self must be visual.

Xxxx 

Mind should be destroyed entirely , not merely arrested 

Vision add zest to meditation but does nothing more

Anything which has to be attained is not the Reality ,not the Truth. We are already the Reality, The truth. The idea that you have to find yourself is foolish one. What is there to find ?.According to that there are two persons- one searching for the other. So you are the true self. But wrongly identifying with ego (ahamkara) & the body.

Peace is the inner nature of man. If you find within yourself, you will find it everywhere.

Xxx

Through poetry, music etc one sometimes experiences a sense of deep bliss . There is happiness in agreeable sights. All colors, feeling, experiences in meditation are all only mental conceptions.  They come & go. Be only witness.

Absence of thought does not mean blank. There must be one to know the blank. What is illusion? Find out To whom is illusion then illusion will disappear.

Others are not responsible for what happens to us. They are only instruments for what would happen to us someway or other. Let us be strong in faith & not succumb to fear. Whatever happens, happens according to our prarabdha. Let it exhaust itself. Evil intentions & evil actions will react themselves & not affect us simply because they desire it. One is required not to think of oneself, so why there be anxiety regarding others?

Why is that sorrow & evil in universe ?

God will. No motive can be attributed to that power. No desire No goal to achieve , can be asserted of that all powerful being. God like the sun is untouched by the activities which take place in His presence .if the human mind is unsatisfied or restless on account of events, it's a good solution to accept God's will as the solution ; thus it is wise to drop the sense of responsibility & freewill ,by regarding ourselves as the instruments of God, to do & suffer  as He pleases.

Mirage does not disappear even after knowing it to be mirage. The appearance persists but now the man does not run to it for water.

                                 xxx

Rajendra Prasad, president of congress asks what message should he convey to Mahatma Gandhi: Maharshi says When heart speaks to heart, what need is there for words?

Occult powers are in realm of mind only. The powers are in mind only. They are not worth trying for. Occult powers will not give happiness. What are they for? To make others praise ones ego. God, Self is the highest power & most worth seeking. That which results in peace is highest Occult power.

Decade with Art of Living

I just had finished my Silence retreat meditation at Art of living centre, Bangalore. It was amazing

Inner stillness & outer quietude. Swimming in deep rippleless tranquility & peace. Not that anything changed in life, but these 3 days silencw meditation was very deeply restful.  Not that thoughts haven't risen but they slowed down considerably. At one point they were lazily sauntering that they hardly registered their presence or was found disturbing. More like droplets on lotus leaf. Well, now back to workplace & daily grind beckons

My connection with art of living & Sri Sri Ravi Shankar goes back to more than decade. As kid, I used to read his articles in news paper though never felt that I would see Him personally or do any of his meditation camps. Decade later I attended his meditation camps & follow up across India, one even ashram in Gawahati (assam) on banks of Brahmaputra.

Though I'm not debating if His techniques work or not as to some it click and to some it doesn't or they don't do it diligently...I continued for a decade & I can vouch 100% it has worked for me. Sudarshan kriya keeps me grounded and handle daily chaos & contradictions & mentally very calm. My first Sudarshan kriya experience is recorded here in link

http://matrixstrikesback.blogspot.com/2010/12/sudarshan-kriya.html?m=1

Entire architecture in ashram is so aesthetic and earthy. Gently merging with nature around. So calm and beautiful. Away from humdrum of city traffic & noise. Waking up to nature sounds like wind & chirpy birds is such a blessing.

I had numerous experiences with Guruji. Mystical & physical. Though physically I saw or came near to him just twice. I was posted to extreme corner of country and was in aol centre. As huge crowds were there to welcome him, I was sitting in  corner of line. Though not really enthusiastic to meet him,I just developed thought "Guruji, iam leaving south India for long time, it would be nice to catch ur attention for a moment ". He actually walked away few steps ahead of me & for a moment stopped, walked back, tapped me with rose & walked away. Wow. It was so surreal.

We hardly appreciate knowledge & wisdom being shared at AOl. In Ancient days, same knowledge would be shared by teacher to students for in decades while everything is available for us freely & easily. Ashtavakra Gita,  Shiva sutra, Naradbhakti sutra etc . Wisdom of these timeless epics make life so smooth & bearable. Even biographies of his students esp Michael Fishman "Stumbling into infinity " is so inspiring & worth reading.

...

The ashram boasts of vast stretches of greenery, lakes, wide variety of birds, butterflies & even snakes ( I read that of 20 varieties of snakes only 2 (krait & cobra) are highly venomous (eeeks). Beautiful part of staying in ashram is that we can avoid all hustle & bustle  noises of city. Fresh air, awakening to birds sounds in the field of extreme positivity is break we all need

AOL can boast of worlds maximum volunteers. The kind of service they do is phenomenal. Free schools  food to thousands, environmental sustainability, reviving dried water bodies and ofcourse meditation & protection of ancient dharma.. The Ashram is mini nation of utopia. It's volunteers were first responders to international crisis,  be it to build peace in terror hit areas like Columbia,  Sri Lanka (where LTTE planned to kidnap Guruji), Iraq to temple-masjid issue in ayodhya or kashmir. Truly inspiring.

My last brush with Guruji was when I was lying on hospital bed. Almost dead, body dying, flesh degenerating, doctors confounded & at one point I also gave up. When in extreme miserable condition, I either dreamed/hallucinate or had vision of Guriji who said " don't give up, hold for 2 more days, things will be fine"..well, immediately my confidence soared. Within 2 hours, misery lessened. 2 days I was back home. 30 days later I was on feet (doctors diagnosed it would take atleast 1 year).

Read more here

http://matrixstrikesback.blogspot.com/search/label/death?m=1

http://matrixstrikesback.blogspot.com/2012/10/omg-2-midnight-visions.html?m=1

Just another guru story where I received a mantra in my dream. To this day, that mantra gets automatically emerge whenever I face suddenness, fear or calamity

Walking alone in stretches of nature was such a soothing experience 

Your jeeva is shiva !

....There is some magic in ashram which we won't get anywhere. The moment one steps into it, we feel heightened sense of sweetness & Calmness. Energies go high. We mistakenly often attribute it to people around. But I believe its the field of high positivity & energies that elevate our souls.

I'm ever grateful to Guruji for His wisdom & meditation techniques I learnt. When zillion factors are influencing human from all directions and realms, it's my super lucky good karma that I came across Guruji in this life.

Once I did PLR where we dig into past lives. Either it was my illusion or I actually saw a glimpse where my connection went back to Guruji from.past lives. I actually saw myself as plant in Guruji ashram (yeah, a plant). In other lives I saw myself as Tibetan woman,  artist, fish & desk officer in world War 2. 

Now all those past lives seem to have continued to this life. I was quite an artist till my teenage with magnetic attraction towards Tibetan Buddhism and big fan of world War history and my sunsign is Pisces- the fish.

With meditation group. 

I surrender

 Call me fatalistic or nihilistic or Buddhist but I no longer try to control the situation or people. I began to believe that Chaos & Calmness are what human life forever will be. No matter how wealthy, resourceful & spiritual u r, uncertainty, confusions & chaos will be there.

I choose no longer to judge others in general and primarily myself in particular. If I'm born fool, so be it. Even ants r somehow surviving on this planet, even I will manage somehow.

There is no significance of any event nor I consider any person is special or The One. Life will always be chaotic with gaps filled with waiting for elusive moments of happiness. Nothing can be predictable or goes per plan. Planning works to certain extent but beyond a point, it's all uncertainty & live/act moment by moment.



There is nothing like God's plan for events occured (as religion consoles gullible )or Positive thinking or Affirmations that would change one's life (Except authors bank accounts) . All these are hooks that we hang ourself to explain inexplicable events & pegs for hoping better tomorrow.


Earth is formed from Big bang, hence so would our lives be..always bang bang..now its for me to accept Bang Bang as normal or keep perpetually fighting against it in frustration. I rather ride the waves of uncertainty & take whatever life throws at me than question why it happened or how it should have happened. Like someone said, Life under no circumstances need to follow ur desires or diktats.

U can b most kind person or honest, still bad things might come to u. This is how life was always & eventually will be. Criminal would live in mansion while honest person suffering from hunger. Person who follows healthy diet die young of chronic disease while binge eater live till old age & die peacefully.

"Life is always unfair. Get used to it" - Bill Gates

Saying that, following some rules, discipline, etc may give some satisfaction & "probable" results & some greater hope of leverage over life. But otherwise life has no meaning..I no longer control life..take whatever comes and try to make best of what possible for me and leave the rest to fate and give a damn which ever direction it goes.

Yes, saying that, there are moments of bliss , wonder & awe of life. How gigantic it is. So endless, vast that one life of human or planet or galaxies stand millionth of dust in schemes of Creation. When I see my own insignificance in this gigantic Creation, all my issues vaporize. When I realise this, my senses fall silent....I surrender ...!!!

Devbhoomi- The land of Gods

I was lazily cruising when I get call from unknown number. I seldom respond to unknown numbers but somehow I picked the call. The caller speaking in heavy accented hindi questioned “When are you coming to Uttaranchal?” He identified himself as someone from Uttaranchal Tourism Dept and further stated that my name is included in list which is seeking special darshan at Kedarnath . Totally flummoxed I excused by mentioning that I would get back to him.  

pensive mood in airport: cancelled& delayed planes 

Sometime ago my brother mentioned that they might travel to Kedarnath in October for which I wanted to be part of. However later my brother said, that trip has been advanced by a month and would be held that very weekend which for me was impossible to accommodate as I just returned from 2 week home leave. Then I realised , my name was included in registration trip. However my name was last of 5 members . By quirk of fate, all above 4 members refused to pick calls on that day and the call came to me in end.  However I rejected to be part of the trip at such short notice.

At JollyGrant airport, Dehradun

I call my brother just to let him know about the phone call from Uttaranchal Tourism as and called brother about the call where he speaks on his soon to be held trip to Uttaranchal along with his 4 friends visiting Kedarnath and Badrinath with important tourist spots in between. The visual imagery of snowclad mountains of Kedarnath captured my imagination now which has already gone wild. I desperately wanted to visit these places for over decades. I still have Uttaranchal tour guide book I purchased many years ago hoping to travel to these places such as Rishikesh, Haridwar, kedarnath etc which are spoken so often in tales and folklore.

But the main problem arises from fact, I just took 2 weeks leave from work and asking for another 10 days would incur Bosses wrath, probable rejection and over all guilt for myself as well. However now I felt, this is once in lifetime trip and now or never moment coz my brother is well experienced traveller and good at managing logistics.  Without further ado, I booked my flight that night itself to Dehradun. Somehow I took the phone call as sign from cosmos aswell. Next morning, I dashed leave letter clearly mentioning my intent of visiting religious places like Kedarnath (hoping Bosses are religious and wont reject my application).

By 11 am next day, I received my permission for trip from HQ (first challenge scaled successfully). Taking it as further indication from Cosmos, I pack haphazardly and rush to airport. Just before I reach airport, I get message that flight has been cancelled. Immediately outside airport I book another flight to Delhi at exorbitant price, leaving the part Delhi to Dehradun travel and also chopper ride to kedarnath  to fate.

As I was lazing in airport for midnight flight, another message blinks on phone. The current flight has been delayed.  With nothing to do , I drink much hyped Dalgona coffee and cookie at airport. I feel road side 10/- chai and 5/- biscuit would tase much better than inspid airport fare. Sitting idly, I tried another flight/train/bus from delhi to Dehradun. Not in mood to rush with luggage , I just book taxi from Delhi to Dehradun which costed same as flight from Delhi to Dehradun. For first time I realized how blessed I was, that I had enough cashflow to book flights & taxis thus making life comfortable. By 0800 am I was at Jollygrant airport in Dehradun, waiting to recive my brothers and his friends who were coming from bangalore.

From Dehradun, we board Innova which was booked in advance with 1^st stop in Haridwar , to Sirsee following day from where we had to take Chopper ride to kedarnath temple. 

Holy Ganges at Haridwar

Ganga aarthi

Street Art@ Haridwar 

Daksheswar temple: where daksha was killed

Frankly I had different image of Haridwar and Rishikesh. I imagined it with lots of saints and spiritual aura. Though there were many Ashrams of renowned and lesser knowns Saints, it has become highly commercialized and sweltering head added to misery. 

Cottage At sirsee

Chopper ticket booked last minute 

Falls by roadside

After witnessing Ganga Arti , following day we zoomed towards higher altitude. We reached Sirsee , from were chopper takes us to kedarnath temple. Last 20 kms road  to Kedarnath is unmotorable. Either we have to trek or go on mule or hire Doli ( porter would carry us all 20 km).

Finally reached kedarnath 

1st glimpse of temple 

In night 

As I was last minute entrant, my chopper ride was not booked. Mentally I was prepared to trek 20 kms. If anyone is intending to trek, better they practice in advance as its bound to be ardous considering high altitude & less oxygen. However my brother pulled jugad and were able to book 1 extra ticket.

Some saint 

 Next day luckily weather was supportive and chopper flew on time carrying all of us. (Again luck/Grace supported me in chopper ticket we can say)

The  mountains, green or snow clad dotted by multiple water flows, were too exotic and intoxicating. Enormous they were that they reduced humans to insignificance. Somewhere in those mountains are saints who gave up their lives insearch of enlightenment. These saints stay in their caves even when snow occupies entire terrain for 6 months when entire temple and locals vacate to lower areas. All the streams from upper Himalayas gushing downstream are real joy to witness. The roaring rush barging through landscape so powerfully.

2013 flash floods in Uttarakhand saw around 6000 dead. Floods came with such force that they washed everything in its path. However temple was left intact as huge boulder came and stopped behind temple which saw the fury of flood diverted sideways leaving temple unharmed. If we look at pictures of that boulder (now called as Bhima shila), its amazing or miraculous that such huge boulder stopped strategically thus protecting temple.

Both at Kedarnath and Badrinath temples, we found ourselves lucky with no much rush of pilgrims . We had ample time to spend in Sanctum sanatorium to our hearts content. Hardly there was any crowd. I really wondered what to pray. I felt iam blessed with so much abundance that all I was filled with immense gratitude.

Moreover I wondered why a person would visit a temple? Seek or give up or grasp or thank? Well, I don’t know. Moreover this entire trip made me drop some of spiritual fantasies I harboured for long.

Adi Shankara- The Jagatguru

Adi shankara statue is often seen across the trip. Such a superman that he traversed across India multiple times, re-established Hindu dharma which was on decadence back then. What an amazing person. He is said to ultimately take samadhi behind Kedarnath temple where now we have his huge statue on Sri chakra yantra.

Trigunarayan temple

Apart from Kedarnath and Badrinath temple, we also visited Ukhimath (where deities of kedarnath & Badrinath are placed during winter), Tunganath and TriguNarayan (Where Shiva wedded Parvati with Vishnu as witness) temples and also pancha prayags (where two rivers join, viz rudraprayag , devprayag etc). Tunganath is one of pancha-kedars , one of highest Shiva temples at 12000ft, below Chandrashila peak where Ravana is said to have worshipped Shiva.

Tunganath temple. One of panch kedars

From Chopta, some trekked to Tunganath temple while I went by mule. Those 5-6 kms on mule was so frightening and painful to back which left me wondering how do people race on horses. These mules often walk on edge of hill sending fears. After paying our obeisance at Tunganath temple, I went on trek to Chandrashila peak which is said to be only 1 km high.

finally at summit of chandrashila 

Though its said to be 1 km, during high steep gradient, thick fog, less oxygen, it was sheer pain . I had to take break every 3-4 minutes to catch air. No matter how much I climb, I don’t find reaching summit. Moreover I was all alone. This also made me nervous as if I slip or sprain , there is no one to know my location. I really wondered if its really 1 km as it appeared more than 5km. Several times I wanted to give up and walk back, however human ego kept pushing and mountains kept teasing me to walk up. Morever regret would be more painful emotion than pain of climbing. That made me decide to scale it no matter if it takes even full day.  Its said, we can see all peaks of Himalayas from top. But due to fog and clouds, nothing was visible. However reaching the summit was satisfaction inexpicable. But while scaling down, hill appeared quite small and distance less than 1 km.

  

 

From Badrinath, 3-4 kms away is last village Mana Village. The entire village seems more a prop for tourism than actually anyone dwelling . Entire village inhabitants (rougly 500 families) would vacate to lower areas as it gets buried under snow. Only Govt agencies & ITBP hold their posts as lie beyond this village is Dragon menace China. This village also has mythological angle. This is place from where Pandavas had ascended heavens and cave where Mahabaratha was written by Lord Ganesh while narrated by Vyas Maharashi. With so many holy places (Kedarnath, Badrinath,

Chardham, Haridwar, Rishikesh etc), no wonder Uttaranchal is called as Devbhoomi-The land of Gods.

 

feeding dogs with sentiment of Bhairava

 When I look back, the entire trip was based on luck or what others say, Called by Lord Himself. Since beginning , with flights cancelled, friends health shaky, altitude sickness &motion sickness, ATMs out of cash (only 1 ATM at kedarnath),  delayed, weather suboptimal, leave-permission under doubt, less crowd, easy darshan. When Grace is on your side, all challenges & wrinkles get ironed out. Like saying in Tiruvanamali goes “You cant visit Arunachala unless Arunachala Himself wishes you to visit”. Same holds true here I believe